Loss // July 7, 2005

Today, we said goodbye to perhaps the most solid soldier in the 2/121. He was a man among men. A leader that not only took care of his soldiers, he also made those in leadership do their job - or they would answer to him. He was just one of those kind of soldiers. They are few and far between.

It was about 0430 I guess when a flashlight shined into my sleeping eyes and woke me from slumber. I sat straight up on my cot, looking at the young corporal who had come to summon me.
"Sir, you need to come to the TOC right away, we have a KIA in sector."
His words sank in to my now awake mind. He turned sharply and left the room. I sat for a moment on the edge of my cot. In the darkness, I wondered if I could do it. This was it. If you can't handle suffering on this level - you have no business in the chaplaincy. I turned on my flashlight and reached for my uniform. It would be the last time I thought those thoughts all day.

When I reached the TOC, it was a beehive of activity. In the midst of that activity, people stood with blank stares, looking at the tracking board, as though looking at it would somehow change the reality of what had just taken place - they all placing some kind of blame on themselves for the accident. I moved through them, almost in a daze, some I would speak an encouraging word in their ear, some I take them by the shoulders, look them in the eye and say - "you did what you needed to..." some, I would simply put my arm around and whisper a prayer.

I got in a convoy and went to the hospital. I met with one soldier who had been injured. I watched the Colonel and the company commander weep for their soldiers. I held hands as the soldier who had lost their comrade in arms, wept. Then, I went to see the soldier who had given his life to his country. He lay on the bed, even in death, his face had the look of a proud soldier. His jaw square, he looked as though he could have stood up at any moment and taken up arms again. The Colonel and the Company Commander stood at my side and I prayed for them and his family. They walked out of the room and I placed my hand on the soldier's forehead and prayed again. I prayed that God would take care of the soldier that He took home, I prayed that God would watch for his children and wife, I prayed that God would watch for the rest of our soldiers here. I prayed and no tears came. It was not yet time.

I left the hospital, thinking that the hard part of the day was over, then I got back to the TOC. It had only begun. I went from area to area, people who were not even acquainted with the soldier were severely emotional about it. I moved from tent to tent, praying with soldiers, assuring them that they had done all they could, that God loved them and I did to, and sharing my heart. One particular soldier was just rocking on his cot, overwhelmed with grief, I sat down by him and held him for a long time.

I have never absorbed so much raw pain before. After my mom died, I knew better then to offer worthless clichés that are just empty words. I sat with soldiers and only said something if they asked me to. In times like these, I point to a loving Creator that grieves with us. God has allowed the world to spin in orbit. He has allowed the Human Race to choose good and evil. We are here fighting evil. What has happened is a direct result of the evil that exists on this earth. Chad Mercer gave his life fighting evil so good could triumph. He was the picture of what it means to be a soldier. This fallen world can take hope in the love of a Savior. This world can take hope in the love of a God that hurts when they hurt and will carry them through it, if only they will ask.

The day seemed to last forever. I counseled, hugged, prayed with soldiers all day. At the end of the day we had a healing session in the chapel for Chad's friends and unit. As the soldiers sat in a circle, the spoke of how much Chad meant to them. They spoke of humor, drive, dedication, leadership. I was moved beyond words. Finally, the day was almost over and I prayed at last over the coffin of SGT Mercer as he prepared to his final journey home. As soldiers performed the slow salute to a fallen soldier, tears rolled down faces and hands quivered - I stood in amazement, this is what being brothers in arms is all about. Loyalty, commitment, honor.

The Colonel was speaking, I could barely make out what was being said to the gathered soldiers but I knew that the day was over and I could grieve. I stepped behind the line of staff officers and wept. Quietly, I sobbed, the pain I had absorbed from the battalion seeking to leave my body. I knew it would be hard, I knew it would test this battalion as nothing else, but the boys came through. They are great soldiers. They will fight tomorrow as hard or harder than they have today and in the end, we will stand proud, knowing that we have fought evil and triumphed.

Pray for us. More importantly, pray for Chad's family during this time.

Blessings and Peace be multiplied to you all in Christ.