Loss and Renewal // July 30, 2005

Last Sunday, it was an evening service like any other. We had a great song service followed by testimonies. I started off, telling the soldiers what God had been doing in my life and others stood and they too praised God for His faithfulness. In the corner of my eye I saw a soldier come in and call another away for a moment. I thought nothing of it. That sort of thing happens here all the time. Then I saw his face. It was ashen. He raised his hand and spoke.
"Sir, we need to say a prayer for some soldiers, they had three KIA." At this my heart stopped for a second. Then my radio erupted.
"Net Call, Net Call, someone needs to find the chaplain and bring him and his gear to the TOC NOW!!" I immediately bowed and we prayed. I turned the service over to one of the leaders in the congregation and I grabbed my IBA and Kevlar and sprinted for the motor pool. I walked through the area and saw shock and confusion in the faces on my soldiers. I ran to the TOC.
I found out there had been an IED attack that had taken the lives of four of our soldiers. I started to make my rounds - soldier after soldier looked at me with blank stares, unable to even grieve.
I didn't sleep that night. I sat up with soldiers, listened to them talk. Some shouted. Some ground their teeth in anger, some just glared. Some cried. I absorbed. So much pain. So much pain.
These soldiers were some of the best in the company. They were all consummate professionals who took their job seriously and accomplished much. I knew all of them. Some I knew very well. There will be a sense of emptiness that will not leave anytime soon.
The rest of the week was pretty much a blur. I either sat in the chapel and received soldiers that needed to talk - release anger - cry, or I found them in the various places where soldiers go.
I did two ramp ceremonies. This is where the company gets together and escorts the bodies of the soldiers to the plane that will take them home. I feel that this is more of a healing time than even the memorial service. Emotionally, they are extremely hard to do. Finding the right words is what is hardest. How does one qualify in words the feelings that erupt in the soul?
Every soldier that dies is so hard to deal with. Soldiers lose not only their friends, companions, comrades, and brothers - they lose the sense of security that allows them to actually function in this environment. You have to build a shield around your mind that allows you to continue to place yourself into an extremely dangerous environment and function as though it is normal. Events like this destroy that sense. The feeling is tantamount to you having been attacked yourself. The amount of feelings that invade the senses are innumerable. It affects everyone. Myself included. This is why I was asked for and was given the day off on Friday after the memorial. I needed to decompress myself and release some of the pain that I had absorbed from my brothers.
The night it happened, I didn't get any sleep. I just moved. The next morning, I went to the site and helped with the recovery. I cannot describe what it was like to drive back to base holding the bodies of my brothers in my lap. I cried, I stared blankly away, I thought and banned thought from my mind. I had to focus on my soldiers.
The chaplain is responsible to:
Honor the Dead
Comfort the Wounded
Nurture the Living
Accomplishing this takes out of you all that you can give.
I will never be the same because of what I have experienced. All I can do is hope that those I interact with at home will understand this and give me the room to be a different man. This is true of all who have experienced this war. Give us the room to return to society and be the changed souls we have become.
I struggled to write the homily for the memorial. I had no words to give. I felt as empty as my soldiers. Yet, it is my job, my mission, to provide some English that speaks to the pain and give the strength to carry on. I decided to be honest - I had no words - I had nothing that could provide said healing - but I could point to a Creator that loved us still.

Invocation: O God our help in ages past, our hope for years to come. We come before you this day proud to have served with SGT Fuller, SPC Brunson, Kinlow and Thomas. We each hold in our hearts the memories that we shared with these warriors. You are the God of these memories. You are the God of the day and night. We acknowledge that authority and appeal to its strength four our comfort. This we pray in you matchless, holy name, Amen.

Remarks: There are not words in the vocabulary of a thousand tongues to describe how we feel at this moment. Emotions swirl about in a storm. Anger, resentment, fear, sadness - they roll over us like a cloud. Yet in these times of tragedy, the resilience of the human heart never ceases to amaze me. We speak of honoring memories and you have by your unflinching dedication to duty.
I too remember these soldiers. I remember nights under the stars of Iraq talking about Jump School. I remember walking up on the squad cleaning and refitting their HMMVs - chatting about the pros and cons of this or that unit. They were men who lived the code - do unto others. Their memory inspires our commitment.
It is very easy to remember someone by their death; but to remember how they died does not honor the deaths of such valiant warriors. We must remember how they lived. We must remember how they served and how they loved.
Often, when faced with tremendous loss, our response is to question why and to cry out against our pain. This is natural. The Old Testament character of Job cried out in the same anguish. When he found out about the death of his family, he did not speak for seven days. When he finally did speak, he was so distraught, he wished he had never been born. The only thing that brought job back to sensibility was an acknowledgement that God controlled the universe. He said, "I know that my Redeemer lives and that He shall stand on the last day." Job knew that God loved him and cared for him no matter what life happened to throw his way. It was an acknowledgement of fact - the fact of God. It is our faith that gives us the courage to face the terrors of the night and when the long night has passed - to face the dawn of a new day.
God does not ask that we understand these complexities - He only asks that we trust Him. He only asks that we rest in His love.
I leave you with these words from Romans 8, "Yet in all these things we are more than conquers through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor Angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come. Nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the love of God."

Benediction: May the God of yesterday, today and tomorrow keep you in His love. May He who knows your future better than you know your past give you the courage to face it with honor. Blessings and Peace be to you all in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

God, keep us all in your love.