A Day of Rest // August 12, 2005
The smoke curls up into the night sky. It moves slowly, takes on a life of its own, changes shape and form as I watch it morph into faces past and present. Tears well up in my eyes and I send more into the horizen. In the pit of my stomach anxious feelings scream for release and finally, I do. Sending grief into the darkness, I morn those I have memorialized on my heart. Anger I have held in turns to sadness and I grieve.
Freedom Rest is a place for soldiers to come and let the cares of war go. I am here. Its very surreal. There are clean sheets on beds. I have not slept on a bed since I left Fort Stewart. There is a large pool that curves around a patio with white furniture. It is almost more than my mind can handle; to one moment be in the heat and dust of Striker, only to take a thirty minute Blackhawk flight and have carpet, peace and quiet - it is almost a system overload. I slept in a room alone for the first time since I left Fort Jackson. Besides the helicopters that fly over from time to time, its amazingly quiet. No one wakes me up to chat. Incidently, I don't mind that, in fact, it does me good to know that soldiers value me at that level.
My commander sent me here. I guess he thought I needed a break. He was right. He was right to send me here. I think I was far more wound up than I thought I was. When I first got here yesterday, I felt like throwing up. I was so anxious inside. They were giving the welcoming brief and I could not concentrate on what the man was saying, feelings were so strong within me. I felt sadness, pain, guilt (for being here while my soldiers were back at Striker), grief and most of all and extreme sense of fear. What would I do? I go from the time I get up till the time I sleep at night, what could I do to fill such a large spanse of time? I worried - about being worried. Go figure.
I got into my room, saw the bed, sat down and cried. I am not sure how long a sat there, but when I left, it was supper time. It is not a large place - it is surrounded by high walls and wire - yet, it is so peaceful here. It is indeed a rest. I awoke this morning, and ate cereal - I realized that I had forgoten my laptop, my book I was intending to read and my writing instruments. I was at the mercy of the quiet.
Here, at the end of the day, sitting by the pool, I puff a cigar and watch the smoke. I see my soldiers faces and I feel the pain of their families. My heart will take time to heal, but I think, when I leave here in a day, I will be in a much better state of mind. I had to let some things go.
When we get home, we will all have these feelings I think. In the quiet, we will all miss our brothers. We will all miss our fellow soldiers who did not survive as we did. We will all feel the guilt of the living. I guess we will just need space. Space to heal. Space to let go. Space to reconnect with a world so far removed from what we are now in.
Until then, I have to think that while we are acomplishing great things here, each soldier, deep down - is just focused on surviving. Maintaining enough of himself/herself to offer their families a peice of them upon their return. We fight this fight, not only on checkpoints and searches, but in our hearts.
Peace to You All
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Chaplain Jon Fisher
Chaplain,
If you do not take the time for yourself there will not be enough for you to offer others. Sharing these feelings with the soldiers when you return will help them when they come home. Knowing you experienced this will teach them it is normal and let them know their feelings are alright to have. Remember, if the quiet for you is so noticable it will be the same for others. I know the military gives briefings on what the soldiers are going through and help transistioning from battle to stateside but it is not the same coming from a stranger as is personal experience coming from you.
Jon,
Enjoy your rest,it's one of the things that enables us to give back. You've refreshed others, now YOU can be refreshed.
Prov 11:25 A generous man will prosper;
he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.
...so on the seventh day he (God) rested from all his work. Gen.2:2
I believe that if it was important enough for this passage to have been included in the Bible, we should all take note. Enjoy a little "down time" from time to time. There's not a pastor or minister I know, that from time to time does turn off their cell phone or pager and sneak off to a quiet place on the lake to fish or to just take time out to be quiet and listen to what the Lord has to say to them!
Regardless or your connection (faith/walk with the Lord) I'm sure it can get pretty difficult to hear with explosions and machine gun fire in the background (or ducking same)! Take the opportunites to give God your undivided attention!
God Bless You
I suppose there really isn't a way for us to come inside the mind of a soldier. That's part of the war, and we did not go off to battle, we have not been trained, we can not do what you have done; and with that, we cannot know what you know, feel what you feel, or experience as deeply the pain and grief as you have done.
I salute you my friend and hero.
Actually Tim, you would be suprised what you hear in moments like that!! :)
Thanks for the encouragement ya'll, I feel rested and ready to get back in the saddle!!
Jon,
As long as you can put pen to paper or your fingers on a keyboard, you will be able to refresh yourself. Writing one's feelings is the most cathartic therapy in the world. And you have the gift---you have no idea how much your writings help those of us back here put the whole thing into perspective. Plus it's a real reality check when we are feeling sorry for ourselves. LOL. I,too, salute you and am proud to say that we share the same DNA. Take care and God bless you.