An Uneasy Rest // August 5, 2005

I have not been here long. I actually just got back from running around the base this morning about 1300 and I sat down at my computer to check my email. My body is so tired and sitting down in the quiet makes me sleepy...
I reflect on this last week. Its been a hard one.
Saturday, I was on my way to bed about 11pm when a soldier told me I was being requested at the TOC. My heart sank - I had that feeling again. Sure enough, it had happened again. Another IED. Another four soldiers. This time, it was the same soldiers that survived that last one. I saw the names - I knew every one. Faces flashed in my mind. I swallowed hard, struggling to control emotions that threatened to overcome my energetic attempt to control them. I mastered them only by forcing my thoughts on my soldiers. I left the Battalion and headed to the company TOCs knowing that I was needed more there than at Battalion.
I was right in thinking I needed to be there. I was.
I walked into the pain, doing what was becoming natural reaction in the circumstances. I grabbed the first sobbing soldier and held him. We rocked back and forth on that hard wooden bench like he was a child and I the parent. I still had only a small idea of what was happening.
The hardest decision the chaplain has to make in this situation is, where do I go? There is pain everywhere, there is ministry to be done everywhere. I had to make the decision of how I could best minister to my soldiers. That question in of itself threatened to overwhelm me. I had this very odd thought - I wished I was the "Flash," I would be able to run places so fast that I could touch everyone that was hurting that night. It just could not happen. I called for help. This was beyond me. All the Brigade chaplains came down to our area, each going to different places, each finding soldiers that needed a loving hand to hold them.
I made a decision that will affect the rest of my life. I chose to go to the epicenter of the pain. I jumped on board with the recovery team that went out that night to recover the bodies of my friends. I reached the site and went to work. I moved from Bradley to HUMMV, from guard to EOD, touching each soldier, praying for each soldier. I ducked and moved in the shadows as it was still a very hostile area. It took time to clear the area of any secondary explosives and I waited. The night proved to long and even though it was far from cold, I felt the dark surrounding me, I felt a chill.
Working the recovery that next day proved to be a traumatic experience, yet, in the midst of it, I called out to God - "Give me the strength!!!" I was overwhelmed by His peace. I felt covered in His love. I can only explain the feeling like this - I was surrounded by the worst destruction I had ever seen and all I could do was minister. It was only through the grace of God that I can even write this today. I have seen what I think is the worst evil man can do and turned from it to declare the works of God. Only God can give such peace. It is indeed the "peace that passes all understanding."
The next few days were filled with counseling, planning, working with the Combat Stress team to provide help for my soldiers. I have seen God work in people's lives. I have prayed with soldiers and seen a literal peace fill a angry, fearful face. I have seen the reality of this text, "God has not given us the spirit of fear, but the spirit of power, and love and of a sound mind." That sound mind is what I testify to today. Nothing else can explain how a soldier can summon the courage to return to duty knowing the danger. I am in constant awe of such courage. I am in awe that these soldiers can return to these vehicles and move through the area. What strength is this? What strength is the American Soldier?

Invocation: In this quiet moment we come to you, o God of thunder and might. We come to you and thank you that you have allowed us to serve with such soldiers as SFC Anderson, SGT Jones, SPC Hagin, and SPC Shelly. We have seen their life, their commitment, their courage and we miss them. In this moment, we take courage in the fact that the scriptures say, "God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." We appeal to that spirit tonight. We ask for comfort, not only for ourselves but also for the families struck by this evil. We bring this before you and ask that you grant us peace - in Your matchless, holy name, Amen

I was that which others did not want to be, I went where others feared to go and did what others feared to do. I asked nothing from those who gave nothing and reluctantly accepted the thought of eternal loneliness....should I fail. I have seen the face of terror, felt the stinging cold of fear and enjoyed the sweet taste of a moment's love. I have cried, pained, and hoped - but most of all I have lived times others would say are best forgotten. At least I am able to say that I am proud of what I was...A Soldier.
On a lonely intersection in southern Iraq, four soldiers died returning from a mission. Part of each of us died a little on the pavement with them that day. There is a part of us that cries out in the horror and randomness of the moment, yet another part of us cries simply because we have lost a friend. We have lost a companion, a comrade in arms, and a brother.
There is hurt and pain in that moment, yet in this gathering of soldiers, I sense the steel of resolve settling in. In the mist of this resolve, I implore you to remember who you are. You are soldiers in the greatest army in the world. You are soldiers that have taken an oath to preserve freedom and in its defense you maintain the values and ethics that govern the nation in which you live. Do your duty with the honor and nobility of your fallen brothers. Accomplish your mission with the same faith and commitment that drove your forefathers. Evil will not go unpunished and we will prevail in this conflict.
The Apostle Paul was not unused to trials and sadness. In his lifetime, he lost all he had and was martyred in the end at Rome. Yet, when he wrote about the end of life, he put forth in elegant prose the reality of life anew. He wrote of the new body of the resurrection and the hope we have in the faith of our fathers. He spoke of the mystery in the resurrection.
"Behold, I show you a mystery, we shall not all sleep but we shall be changed; in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet shall sound and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption and this mortal must put on immortality...then will be brought to pass the saying "death shall be swallowed up in victory. O Death, where is your sting, O grave, where is your victory?"...Thanks be to God who gives us the victory.
Our faith tells us that we will not remain as we are, we will see our brothers again in new bodies, raised incorruptible. Until then, we morn, but our morning is tempered by our hope.
Our hope stems from these words of Romans 8, "Yet in all these things we are more than conquers through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor Angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come. Nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the love of God."

Benediction: May the God of yesterday, today and tomorrow keep you in His love. May He who knows your future better than you know your past give you the courage to face it with honor. Blessings and Peace be to you all in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Then, on Wednesday of that week, a soldier came into church, to tell me that it had happened again. By this time I was able to face it without the fear that I could not do it. God had led me through this time, He would do it again. I could only pray for my soldiers. Three more. Three more.
I went to the 648th. I walked with them as they suffered. I cried with them as they mourned the loss of their brothers. I hurt for the families at home. I feel across this grand ocean the pain of children, wives, girlfriends, parents. The only hope we have in this is the hope of the cross.
Where is God when it hurts? He has been there all the time. He has bled and died - out of pure love for his creation. We look to the eternal hope where pain will be no more and we will be changed!

And so its quiet. I like the quiet. I confess to a little uneasiness but that's to be expected I guess. Till the quiet becomes the norm....