Awake in the night // November 12, 2005

So, I was in fact as sick as I have been in a long time. Well, to be more exact, I had the flue. Or perhaps it was just the flue shot. The doctor assured me that the virus they put in me was a dead one so I could not get sick....all I know is that Tuesday - I was feeling great - Wednesday - I was bent over with chills, fever, nausea, wicked bad cough and all that good stuff. I was sick as a dog. So sick in fact that I did what I never do, I went to bed early. No kidding, I went to bed at 6:45 that night. I curled up with my fleece over my uniform, buried myself in my warm winter weight sleeping bag and went to sleep.

Ah Sleep. Blessed sleep.

"Chaplain!!"
"Chaplain!!"
I sat bolt upright. He was standing there to the left of me looking anxious. I blinked and tried to focus.
"Chaplain, Major Dickerson needs you in the TOC right now!"
I mumbled a feeble "ok" and swung my feet out of my cot. My heart sank. Here we go again. I tried to think what I could possibly be needed in the TOC for. I worked through each possibility, but nothing jumped out as a real possibility. My heart battled my mind for what it could be. They had stopped contacting me for IEDs a long time ago, there were just too many of them. I was only woken up for serious injury or death. I refused to believe the latter. I stepped into the support tent with my gear on and asked Adam if I could use their HMMV - driving to the TOC, my teeth rattled from the chill wind and I talked to God.

"God, I can't do another one. I can't. You know that! I don't have it in me! Not at this junction, not at this stage - what am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to act?" I was angry, I was hurting, I was tired and sick. I pulled up next to the TOC and ran inside. Sure enough, there had been an accident and a fatality. In that short distance between the 2/121 TOC and the 648th TOC I paused and asked God for the strength I would need that night. When I opened the door, it was there and I entered the shock, fear and pain.

The soldiers that had witnessed the incident had all been gathered into the TOC and I walked into them. At that point I had no idea what had happened other than what I had been told in my own TOC. I gathered the soldiers into a separate room and they stood in a circle around me, looking blankly into my eyes, searching.

"You have just experienced a horrible incident. There is so much that we don't know, so many questions that have no answers at this second." Nods accompanied my words. "In this moment, we need each other. I'm here and I love you all... Let's seek God." With that, we bowed and prayed. As we held hands, the room became electric. I could feel heart rates slow, hear breathing calm, and sense a peace that passes all understanding entered the room. The power of prayer.

The soldiers were told that their friend, their companion had died at the emergency room. Then came the tears. Together, as so many times before in this camp, we cried.
After the tears came the silence. We sat in a conference room around a table, each working through the thoughts of the night terror. Over here, a soldier pushed dust around in circles, then shaped squares, then reverted back to circles. Another sought solace in his rosary, praying over and over again. Each soldier finding answers in his heart for the questions of that night. I sat with them. Seeking with them. Finding with them.

Whenever there is a death in the Army, there is an investigation. When its an accident, there are reports to be filled out, investigative officers to be talked to and recordings to be made. This night was no different. The 1st Sergeant brought the incident reports to me.

It was then that I had one of the most violent de ja vu moments that I have ever had. I found myself as I had been more times than I could count. Walking around a table handing out forms to be filled out. I explained the form as though it was one of the hundreds of tests I have given in my life. I pointed out where to put your name, what the date was and gave the other pertinent information. On this particular form, there is a large blank space where you basically write an essay about what happened. The soldiers just stared at the paper. I had seen that look before. I felt their agony its hard enough trying to process what had just happened and their expected to write accurately about it. I looked at the paper and looked at them.

"Well, you could start by saying something like, "I was sitting on my bunk when I heard..." Something like that - just start writing, it'll come to you." The blank stares slowly turned to intense, thoughtful looks and one by one, the pens started to move. I continued to move about the room looking over shoulders, placing a caring hand on an arm, praying silently for these brave writers. Tears began to flow that night as they began to relive the moments and the pain was left in ink stains on paper. It was the most awful writing assignment I have ever been a part of.

Later that night, as we wrapped up the last of the interviews. The grief had passed for the moment and the healing had begun. There would be more moments to be relived but the worst was over. These men would never be the same for the horror they had seen, but they would be ok tonight. I left them in their bunks and slowly began the long walk to my own. In the cold and dark, I looked up to the stars and thanked God for once again giving me the strength to walk through that night. I knew there was more to come but I knew once again that I was not alone in that place. He was there and He was strong. Shivering in my sleeping bag I asked that He do the same for the soldier's family - show them that He is there and He is strong.

Here is the Invocation, Remarks and Benediction from the memorial service, blessings.

Invocation: Holy Father, we come to you in an hour of tragedy asking for the strength to see the other side. SSG Dennis Merck was a co-worker, brother in arms, and friend. We morn his passing but rejoice in his faith that tells us that we will see him again. We pray for his family in this hour and ask that You would give them comfort. God, we ask that you would pour down you love upon them that they feel the overwhelming sense of your presence during this time. Father, we ask for your comfort to be poured out upon this camp, upon these soldiers as we weep for our fallen comrade. Give us the strength to carry on and honor our soldier with our lives and service. We ask this in your holy, matchless name, Amen.

Remarks: We are all casualties of this place. We all bear in us the scars from the brokenness of the life we have lead here. Each of us are indelibly marked by the people we have met, the actions we have taken and the moments lived. Some moments were filled with the fire and trials of adversity in which we were joined with those who walked through it with us. Some moments were lived in the quiet of the tent - talking, laughing, we shared our lives with each other. A fraternal bond was established as our lives intertwined. We shared the struggles of this place. We shared the joys of this place. We have shared the bond of family in this place. We are all irrevocably linked by the existence we have lived together.
SSG Merck was a quiet man. He was that kind of man that demanded the respect of his fellows by his excellence in his job and the kind manner with which he dealt with others. He was not the man who would kick in a door, or lay fire down on the enemy. He was a supporter of the fight. He was the one that gave others the tools they needed to win. He was a mechanic - and a good one. Bring him a problem and he would fix it. Bring him an issue and he would solve it. This is what the support function is in this Army of One. When I think of SSG Merck and others like him I am reminded of the story told in the Old Testament found in Exodus 17. Here the Israelites were deep in battle against the Amalikites and as long as Moses held up his hands, they prevailed. When Moses hands became heavy and he faltered, when they began to fall - so the Israelites began to lose in the fight. Seeing this, Aaron and Hur left their place of safety and held up his hands and so they won the day. That is what SSG Merck did - he held up the hands of those that fight the fight. We are all key players in this conflict. We are all in this together. The loss of any one soldier leaves us in morning.
However, in the midst of that mourning, we rejoice in faith. For we know that when that last role call is sounded we will look around and see familiar faces. We shall meet again.
We rejoice with the Apostle Paul, "Yet in all these things we are more than conquers through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor Angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come. Nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the love of God."

Benediction: May the God of yesterday, today and tomorrow keep you in His love. May He who knows your future better than you know your past give you the courage to face it with honor. Blessings and Peace be to you all in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.