Open doors and confusing callings... // May 21, 2007

We as believers have that unique choice that others may not have - in that we have to choose between the good... and the good.... Many chaplains have to make that choice when they come into the military. I know I had to make it the other day.

I turned in my packet for Active Duty. I made the jump. My accessions board is next month. I'll serve out my mobilization here at Stewart and then... who knows where Uncle Sam will put us next... Ah yes, the sweet mystery of PCSing... (Permanent Change of Station). I'm sure my packet will be kicked back a couple of times for paperwork but in the end, it'll go up and they will cut me orders to serve in the Regular Army as a Battalion Chaplain.

I had to choose between the good and the good.

There is a huge need in education for passionate teachers that desire to be a part of shaping and molding young minds for the tasks ahead of them. One of the things that I love so much about teaching was the opportunity to be a part of someone's choices; to know that you had a part in the person they became.

I'm proud of all my students. Every last one of them. Some made choices that I might have not agreed with, but they are who they are and if being in my classroom helped them become better thinkers - then I succeeded. I never wanted to produce robots; (I was part of too many institutions that wanted that and I have the scars to prove it!) I just wanted to have students that could think for themselves and have a reason to do what they did. As a Religion teacher, I always told my students on my essay questions that they needed to prove that they studied so they needed to give me an answer that reflected the notes - but if they didn't agree - I would never mark them down for having their own opinion or beliefs. Oh, I loved the classroom. I loved the whiteboard (I had the maintenance folks install boards on the front, back and sides of my room), I loved the smell of my library when I walked in, I loved the consternated looks on test day, the pride of seeing a grade that one worked hard for - in short, I love students... just like I loved soldiers. I felt a supreme calling to the classroom, a calling to study harder than my students so that i could challenge them... that much more. I miss it... profoundly.

But then, I had to choose. I loved students and I loved soldiers. Its two distinctly different ministries. When I got home, I was suffering from PTSD and getting back into my classroom was exactly what I needed. But I missed my soldiers. I was confused, frustrated and a little empty. I couldn't really find happiness in either field. I was upset because, no matter how much I have changed since my undergrad years, I still have this idea buried in the back of my mind that if you just "do exactly what God wants, you'll find perfect peace." Well, thats true, but its also not...

Thats when I knew I had to choose. I so respect the Guard chaplains that can hold down two ministries. Those faithful few who can work incredible hours to minister in two dynamically different environments. I had to choose.

It was the choice between the good and the good.

When I was going to chapel after chapel at PCC, I remember all these well intentioned preachers that spoke of a calling so exact, so intense that they knew what they needed to do "for the rest of their lives!!" They spoke of the "still, small voice of God," the exact "life verse" that drove them to... whatever ministry they were involved with. They spoke in such high and lofty terms that I felt if I didn't have whatever they had, I apparently was not much of a Christian! I remember night after weary night as a security guard on a silent campus riding around just wanting God to speak to me ini the way He had spoken to them! I just wanted a clear picture of what I was supposed to do...

... and nothing. Nada. Zilch. Its like I was not supposed to be anything!

I went forward. I talked to faculty. I had preachers sign my Bible. I had the life's verse. Several lif's verses.... ok, so I got a new life verse every semester... whatareyagonnado??

I wanted to know "God's Will" so bad that it hurt. When Heaven seemed to be silent. I would respond with ignoring it for awhile and doing my own thing. Sin never helped much. I would go back to feeling guilty and there I was again... It was like God had His will hidden behind His back and I had to get the riddle right or at least pray the right mantra with a map at my side, life verse in hand, with my tongue on the roof of my mouth, right hand rubbing my head, left hand patting my tummy, while doing a jig down the steps of the Dale Horton (performance hall on the campus of PCC) in order to get God to let me in on the big secret to my life.

Nothing worked.

My all time favorite was the: "Listen, God told me I should date you. I know that I need to be with you right now." Six months later... "I have really been praying about this and God is leading me to break up with you." To which the jilted would later say, "I'm not sure what God is teaching me through this, but I'm just seeking His will." To which I respond, most un-sanctimoniously, "what's God got to do with it..."

After a life altering ministry experience in New Jersey... I figured that there must be something more to God's will than I knew... cause I was lost.... and sinking....

Six years and a lifetime of experiences later, I believe that God's will is much more broad than I had previously been taught. I believe that God's will is a combination of gifts, desire, needs, and talent. I remember a preacher that came to Fairhaven (my first school) and preached a sermon about how God wanted you to do that thing that was impossible for you. The hardest thing out there was probably what God wanted - it would prove that you needed Him. It would make you depend on Him. It was for about a week after that message that I toyed with the idea of becoming a Bible translator.... since, after all, language study was the hardest thing in the world to me and since I had absolutely NO ability in that area - it was a perfect fit! Oy! Good thing I avoided that. I believe that God desires you to be happy in your ministry - that you will find a great deal of satisfaction and personal fulfillment in the ministry that God has given you. In other words, I believe that you have to choose! You have to choose to follow where your talents and people's needs intersect - and you just may have God's will right there!

I believe that you need to be faithful to God wherever you are. Choose the path that you excel at, are satisfied in, and are most useful - be faithful in it - and you are in the way of God.

Is this true for everyone? No. There is no cut and dry "method" of God's will. For some, its so clear and unchangeable, that they get on a path and do it for the rest of their days....

Me? Well, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was to be a music minister at New Life Gospel Church. Figured I would be there to the end of my days.... then, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I would be a teacher... to the end of my days.... now, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am to be an active duty Army chaplain... to the end of my days....

Well, at least till my initial obligation runs out... then, I'll check back with God and see what's in store next....

...thats the fun of it....