Reunions and Family // May 18, 2008

I'm sure, given some more thought, you could come up with a few more adjectives to describe this event. To those who have been down this road before, you might have already dealt with the onrush of conflicting emotions that are inevitable whenever some event like this comes up.

Anytime we face change, it's a scary thing.... And that's ok...

On that note I want to address some things that I discuss more specifically in the talk I've been giving your Soldiers in preparation for the journey home.

1. Change has happened. You have changed, your Soldier has changed. If you have children, they have changed. This change is as inevitable as it is a natural part of life.

As part of that change, your Soldier has missed some very significant events in your life, as you have missed in his or hers. There is a natural temptation on the part of both Soldier here and loved one there to start the age old, "my deployment was worse than your deployment" fight. This, again, is a natural emotion. I would encourage you, when you feel the anger, resentment, and fear that change often brings with it, to remember a few things:

    a. Accept that change has happened and you both have to work toward getting to know each other again.

    b. Let the past 15 miserable months be the past 15 miserable months for both of you and look toward a positive future with each other. Here, I would note that it's ok to grieve over what has been missed. It's sad, it's unhappy, and it's natural for that grief to cloud the happiness of the reunion.

Often we think of grief in the context of death, but most folks have some of the feelings of grief any time they suffer a loss. 15 months of lost time is a very significant loss. For many people deployment is traumatizing for a relationship to go through. So grieve, give yourself permission to go through that process. Give each other the

space to have these feelings and (above all) love each other through them!!(for some great resources in understanding and working through grief look at:

http://www.hns.org/CenterforGriefHealing/TheGrievingProcess/tabid/90/Default.aspx)

c. Look at change not as a "we'll never be what we were" but more as a "look at how strong we are now, look at what we can become!" You have both been tested to the extreme and come out stronger. The very fact that you are reading this email is a testament to what you have had to overcome in your relationship! Yeah, you've probably changed, but that's ok - in fact - it might be awesome!

Embrace who you have become in each other!

2. Expectations seem to be the biggest challenge in the time immediately following a reunion. This is my second deployment, and I have spent a great deal of time talking with Soldiers and spouses that have been down this road before. The expectations of both the Soldier and the loved one need to be on the same page, or you'll face the specter of "unfulfilled expectations."

In other words, communicating your expectations. By this I mean what your reunion/family time/interaction with each other looks like to you - we all have these images in our mind, but we might not always verbalize them to our spouse. What does your first day back look like? What does that first week look like? How do you see your Soldier interacting with the kids? What does that first night look like? Are you planning on having sex right away or do you think it needs to be a romantic event? These are all immensely practical questions that need to be answered before your Soldier comes home. It might be helpful to close your eyes and try to imagine these events playing out. Often, simply verbalizing what you see happening in your mind will go a long way toward accepting the reality of what your reunion will be.

Attached to this email is a list of questions that my wife and I developed after a couple deployments and hours of counseling. Like anything of this nature, there is no "one size fits all" answer to what you specifically need to talk about with your Soldier - working through these questions will often spur more questions and discussion topics.

You never know what good conversation will come by asking a specific question.

And remember this - any kind of conversation like this will bring up emotions - be careful not to judge your partner's emotions. We all feel what we feel. Whether those emotions are justified or not is really not very important to the one feeling them! Simply accept that someone feels that way and work toward finding a solution that fits everyone.

As some have said, "look for a win-win scenario" - look for a way that you BOTH can have your expectations met! This can take a marginal reunion and make it a GREAT one!!

3. Choice - at the end of the day, you and your soldier have to choose to do the things needed to make your relationship work. We are only as strong as our choices in life. There is no magic technique or tool that will produce a good relationship unless you both choose to make it work. In all three units in which I have been a Chaplain, I have seen old marriages crumble and brand new ones make it. In each case of pulling through, the common denominator was the couple making the choice that they would accept each other, their choices and their quirks, in order to make it work.

Sometimes, that's the hardest part - choosing to work hard at making a reunion a success!

I am SO looking forward to meeting you all! It's always fun for my wife and I to meet the "other side" of the Soldiers that I have come to know and love in the battalion. After block leave, I'll be starting "mini seminars" in the battalion. We'll be focusing on ways that we can repair our relationships and work toward a bright future.

You are strong. You are stronger today than you were 15 months ago. You have made sacrifices that very few in this country ever make. We have each other and that makes us stronger yet! God's blessings be on you all.

Always here to serve,

Chaplain Fisher