Tired. // May 25, 2008
Whew, busy week. I'm bushed.
I took this morning off just to sleep in and rest a little. Its been that kind of week. I've literally counseled from the time I get to work in the morning to the time I go home at night. It's the first time since I got here that I've had people waiting to see me while I was dealing with another soldier. All week long, there were soldier's waiting to see me when I got to the office in the morning. Feels good to be needed, but man, does it wear me out!
Last year, at Stewart, I was having lunch with the Family Life Chaplain and we were talking about the future (a common topic among soldiers, the present being so tragic that one tends to talk about the future for the hope I think) and the career path that one can take in the Army. In the chaplain corps, when you finish your battalion time, you can go right up to a brigade or you can get another master's and do a three-year "utilization tour" as a family life chaplain (marriage counselor), ethics instructor, world religions instructor and researcher, or resource management. There are a few other things you can do in that time, different schools you can take - a common one is Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) and become a hospital chaplain - not something I ever really want to do, but a great ministry nonetheless.
So, we're talking about which of those paths might be good for me to walk down and he made an interesting observation about ministry. Often, I think that ministers (at least I do) feel a little guilty when (if they can be this honest) they admit that they don't like a certain part of their ministry. They love Jesus and they love ministry, but one part of it is really not their cup of tea. He noted that when he went through CPE, he really didn't like it all that much. When he got home at the end of the day, he was absolutely exhausted. He was tired from emoting and absorbing all that pain. However, he found that when he was counseling, he was energized! He could counsel all day and, though tired, still had it in him to counsel more. I completely understand. For me, counseling is exhausting. Maybe I don't have good boundaries or something but basically, I'm like a sponge and I just absorb all the pain that whoever I'm counseling emotes. They'll come in and start off with their particular tragedy and I listen. I try to put together a rough timeline and understand what happened, what their emotions are - and how that affects them. Then we try to work toward a workable solution.
Only, in this environment, there really isn't much of a solution other than, "we need to go home." We are going into month 14 in this deployment - no relationship is meant to stand up to 14 months of prison-like separation. I don't have much to offer them except, well, we can pray together. Now, understand - almost every time, that helps them feel better. In fact, every soldier that comes thorough my office usually leaves feeling much better because they have talked through their problem and felt love. However, the flip side to that is how crushed I feel when they leave. On Wednesday of last week, I found that by the end of the day (After counseling all day) I was angry at the world. I had absorbed all their pain and those toxins were festering in me. To top it off, I found myself working on a project for Memorial Day (I'll tell you about that in a minute) which included slides of all our fallen brothers and sisters this last tour - with every slide my mood worsened. See, when I counsel all day, I don't get energized - it eats me alive. Thankfully, my roommate called and got me out of the office to go and do combatives. We worked out for a long time - punching, wrestling, throwing the medicine ball and basically just working ourselves into utter physical exhaustion. Bodily exercise does profit...a little...
Now, to be fair, I love helping soldiers. I enjoy counseling, but it certainly is not something that I particularly love. It's a huge part of being a chaplain - if you are thinking in this direction, you need to understand this, you will not do much preaching or leading or what most evangelical pastor functions are thought to be, you will counsel. However, counseling isn't really my bag of tea. Teaching is. I love teaching. I love the classroom environment. There isn't much that energizes me more than leading a group of people through a subject and seeing the light go on. Once I understood that, I have focused m energy here in facilitating that kind of a ministry. I teach at least two classes a week now. I organized a weekly class at lunch where we talk about relationships and how to improve them (and get ready for going home!). I also teach a Bible study in B Co with some other soldiers, lead tours of the base, and next week start teaching Financial Peace University with Dave Ramsey.
My counseling spiked this week because of the reunion briefings. I spent six evenings with my entire battalion instructing on relationships, stress, reunions with our families, grief and normalizing feelings - then, they came out of the woodwork!
Before this, I averaged probably 1.5 counseling sessions a day. Last week, the average was five... a day... for an hour and a half each... each of them being more tragic than the last. Relationships falling apart, families that should not be breaking up - are, and the feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and worthlessness that accompany that kind of tragedy. We still have 8 weeks to go...
It's a whole different kinds of tired. Good tired, but tired all the same...
However, I'm good. I took the morning off and its been good. God is good. I've been immersing myself in the teachings of Jesus recently and over and over again, I read of his compassion. To be like Christ is to have compassion on the hurting, the needy, the poor in spirit. I've been trying to see Christ in every soldier I meet, every soldier I cry with, every soldier I hurt with - I sometimes feel like Walter Wangerin's "Ragman" who takes another's pain upon themselves. It's the calling of a chaplain I guess.
I'm just glad I have such an awesome wife...
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Iraq Part Dux... , Reflections6 Comments
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Chaplain Jon Fisher
Hey Jon...
I have similar likes/dislikes as you regarding counseling. No wait... I deplore counseling ;) . I've accommodated for that by combining the two. Since I see the Biblical mandate for pastoral ministry to be that of Bible teaching, not counseling, I've tried to combine them by turning counseling sessions into Bible studies. Once I determine the need, by listening, I then attempt to apply God Word to that situation. Sometimes, it's a one time thing. Other times, it's a multiple sessions Bible study on a particular subject. Perhaps that's an over-simplification... certainly the counseling oriented pastors would say so. But. it has worked for me. Obviously, my situation's a little different than yours, given the religious diversity in which you must serve... but teaching the Bible does make the counseling load easier to process, internally.
Walter Wangerin... I thought that name sounded familiar- did you realize that he also wrote The Bedtime Rhyme?? Maybe you did and I'm just behind the times...
Hey man,
Lori has been forwarding me your blogs as they get posted. I always enjoy your thoughts. Feels like I am right there with you.
Today Lori and I went to Warriors Walk on Ft Stewart, and visited all the fallen 48th soldiers trees. Very sombre, very sad.
I miss you brother. Can't wait for your return.
Hey buddy...
I see I forgot to sign my previous comment... I am Dan
ylf-i-l
Got it. I read the first comment and thought - "I think thats Dan" but then I was not sure. Well, I was fairly certain about it...
I certainly use the Bible quite a bit in counseling. I'm not sold on the idea that every internal problem we have has a "Bible solution." I find that I refer serious counseling issues - ones that require long-term or psychiatric evaluation. Of course, I have those resources at my disposal.
I do love our Bible study. I have one that I lead in the hanger weekly and now I have another one that I am leading twice a week in the Battalion area.
Back at cha buddy...
I didn't mean to imply that the Bible addresses every specific problem, but rather that Biblical principle does. I guess what I'm saying is that - if I sense the need is a spiritual one - I prefer to use Bible study. If, however, I suspect a mental illness or a physiological need, I step aside and pass them to someone trained to address those needs. That's why I sometimes ask people to have a physical exam. Sometimes, that solves the problem.
I'm also not talking about short term stuff, where someone is seeking spiritual counsel about a problem. I'm thinking more of the long term stuff.
There is a big difference between your situation and mine, too. Yours is a 1,000 times more critical and urgent in nature, where mine is much more controlled... that makes a big difference.
ylf-i-l