I've been back at work for a week now. My 20 day post-deployment vacation (most of which I have spent lazing around the house diligently) was brilliant but all good things must come to an end and so, it would seem, will chaplainfisher.com.

I've had a word doc sitting on my desktop for several weeks now called "last post" but it was blank as nothing significant would come to mind. Once in a while, I'd open it, try a few lines and then get interested in some other, vastly more interesting thing on the www and the "last post" would get closed. But here it is at last, the actual, honest, funeral dirge for what has been to me a good friend for the last four years.

I am a goal-oriented person. Most everything I put my hand to has what Powell coined as an "exit strategy." I rarely take on a project that has no clear objective. This blog was no different.

I started the blog in an effort to keep my family and friends informed about my new life as an Army chaplain. Back then, everything was amazing and new, fascinating and weird - the whole Army experience was changing who I was at the core and I wanted everyone I knew to be aware of it. Now, I'm thoroughly a soldier, professional clergy (as they say) and nothing much about it is new anymore. I find that the things I want to write about would be inappropriate fodder for a site that is so foundationally a site about an Army chaplain. It would be inappropriate for instance to write about politics given that as a professional soldier I am to be more or less publicly apolitical.

Beyond all that - I'm just kinda done writing for awhile. I've been fighting it before I went to Iraq for the second time and since then its just been like pulling teeth to put anything on the page. I may emerge again under a different, less military-oriented title but until then - thanks for coming along with me on this journey.

You have encouraged me when there was no encouragement.

You have been with me during some of the darkest, most frightening times of my life.

You have joined me in the most joyful times.

So, to you who have kept up - Thank You!

Before I end, the biggest thanks is in order - this site would not have been possible without my dear friend and best man in my wedding - Jesse Gardener. (Founder of Plasticmind.com) Back when I had just started this site through iblog, he was in need of some material for his portfolio and designed the original look (remember the cammo?) and hosted it on his server. Since then, its had several awesome upgrades and has moved from place to place. Now, I don't have to be the web bum any more Jesse! Thanks for everything!!

The site will stay up for the next couple months and then move to its permanent archive on my .mac server. I still get a lot of hits from men and women that are looking into becoming chaplains so I think I will leave it up for them. I may keep blogging from time to time, who knows - I never do...

So, I think it appropriate to end this blog with a blessing and encourage you to keep seeking peace above all else:

May the God who knows your future better than you know your past, keep you with all grace and peace. Amen.  

I had something of an epiphany tonight. During my evening prayers I read, quite randomly, Psalm 84 which included this verse:

Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,

Whose heart is set on a pilgrimage.

I wept.

I am blessed, not because of where I might arrive or what conclusions I might arrive at - I am blessed because I am on the pilgrimage.

Those who seek - find. 

I think that most of us need to constantly be moving in our spiritual walk - our walk with God. I just finished Thomas Cahill's Desire of the Everlasting Hills and am following it up with Rabbi Lawrence Kushner's God was in this Place and I, i did not know it.

Both have been profoundly moving. Both have furthered my walk with God. Earlier, I had posted a long article about love and what that means for me. Today, I will give you a couple passages and you can draw your own conclusions.

From, Desire of the Everlasting Hills,

The Son of Man has become the Ward of all mankind. Incarnated as Jesus of Nazareth, he is, after his resurrection the principle of Jewish Justice itself, incarnated in the person of anyone and everyone who needs our help. It is ironic that some Christians make such a fuss over the elements of the Eucharist - bowing before them, kneeling in adoration because Christ is present in them - but have never bothered to heed these solemn words about the presence of Christ in every individual in need. Jesus told us only once (at the Last Supper) that he would be present in the Bread and Wine, but he tells us repeatedly in the Gospels that he would always be present in the Poor and Afflicted - to whom we should bow and kneel. It is perverse that some Christians make such a fuss over the bound text of God's Word, carrying it processionally, holding it with reverence, never allowing it to touch the ground, but have never considered seriously the text of Matthew 25, in light of which we should always catch God's Needy before they hit the ground. It sometimes seems that it is to church people in particular - to Christian Pharisees - that these words are directed. pg. 247

To those that would count themselves out because they are not Roman Catholic, you need only look to the spirit that Cahill points to in order to see yourself.

I saw me, and I have committed this sin. I have seen those with profound needs not as Christ, needing shelter, needing love - but as "one more broken soldier" I have to deal with before I can hit the rack. I have seen those that need my care and empathy not as Christ for whom I would do anything, but as "cases" and "clients."

Then I read this from Rabbi Kushner: (The book is a "midrash" a Jewish homiletic on Gen. 28:10-16 and focuses its attention on Jacob's words when he awoke from his dream, "Surely God was in this place and I, i did not know!" The book focuses on spirituality in a Jewish context and looks at the passage from 7 different Rabbi's perspectives. I have had to read each chapter twice to fully grasp the meaning...) Several thoughts from various pages in the first chapter.  

What Jacob is saying here essentially is, "If I had known [that God would have been here], I wouldn't have gone to sleep in such a holy place!"

The beginning of knowing about God, in other words, is simply paying attention, being fully present where you are, or as Rashi suggests, waking up. We realize, like Jacob, that we have been asleep. We do not see what it happening all around us. For most of us, most of the time, the lights are on and nobody is home.

Right now for instance, you are a reader. You are consuming these words and the ideas they bear. But suppose you were a typographer, then you would also notice the shapes of the letters. Suppose you were a poet. A paper manufacturer. A blind person. A composer. We find what we seek. And we seek who we are.

Perhaps Jacob thought, "If God was here and I didn't know, then perhaps God has been other places also..."

Spirituality then, is that dimension of living in which we are aware of God's presence. It is being concerned with how what we do affects God and how what God does affects us... it is about patience and paying attention, about seeing, feeling, and hearing things that were only a moment ago inaccessible.

{The world around us is so complicated and loud} We must therefore create an elaborate system of filters, lenses, and blinders to screen out the extraneous images, leaving us with a very small field of vision. {And we build a world that shuts out everything we don't want to see. Instead of the poor and needy who are Christ, we see welfare queens and drug adicts. Instead of broken souls suffering with no recourse we see the weak, complaining lot that needs to go out and get a job and contribute to society instead of tearing apart our precious social structure. In the words of Scrooge, "are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?"} {my thoughts}  

God said to Moses, "Come up to Me on the mountain and be there." If Moses were to ascend the mountain, why would God also bother to specify that he "be there?" Where else would he be? The answer, suggests the Rabbi, is that people often expend great effort climbing a mountain, but once they get there, they're not there; they're somewhere else.

Whenever I seem to get to the top of the mountain and get some perspective on life, it does not take long for me to "be somewhere else." I'm not sure that the Army is where I'll be for the rest of my ministry. I'm not sure what the future holds but one thing I am endeavoring to do right now:

Be where I am.

Whew, busy week. I'm bushed.

I took this morning off just to sleep in and rest a little. Its been that kind of week. I've literally counseled from the time I get to work in the morning to the time I go home at night. It's the first time since I got here that I've had people waiting to see me while I was dealing with another soldier. All week long, there were soldier's waiting to see me when I got to the office in the morning. Feels good to be needed, but man, does it wear me out!

Last year, at Stewart, I was having lunch with the Family Life Chaplain and we were talking about the future (a common topic among soldiers, the present being so tragic that one tends to talk about the future for the hope I think) and the career path that one can take in the Army. In the chaplain corps, when you finish your battalion time, you can go right up to a brigade or you can get another master's and do a three-year "utilization tour" as a family life chaplain (marriage counselor), ethics instructor, world religions instructor and researcher, or resource management. There are a few other things you can do in that time, different schools you can take - a common one is Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE)  and become a hospital chaplain - not something I ever really want to do, but a great ministry nonetheless.

So, we're talking about which of those paths might be good for me to walk down and he made an interesting observation about ministry. Often, I think that ministers (at least I do) feel a little guilty when (if they can be this honest) they admit that they don't like a certain part of their ministry. They love Jesus and they love ministry, but one part of it is really not their cup of tea. He noted that when he went through CPE, he really didn't like it all that much. When he got home at the end of the day, he was absolutely exhausted. He was tired from emoting and absorbing all that pain. However, he found that when he was counseling, he was energized! He could counsel all day and, though tired, still had it in him to counsel more. I completely understand. For me, counseling is exhausting. Maybe I don't have good boundaries or something but basically, I'm like a sponge and I just absorb all the pain that whoever I'm counseling emotes. They'll come in and start off with their particular tragedy and I listen. I try to put together a rough timeline and understand what happened, what their emotions are - and how that affects them. Then we try to work toward a workable solution. 

Reunion Questionnaire.doc

Here were my thoughts:

Hey Everybody! 

Greetings from sunny, dusty Camp Striker! Everyone here is working diligently to get everything done that needs doing since very soon we'll be packing it all up!! Are you excited yet? Nervous? Have you started thinking and planning the parties, events, or vacations you're going to take? Do you fear what your Soldier might have become in the last year? Are you nervous that this reunion might be just one more unfulfilled expectation in your relationship?

That's what this email is all about - preparing for the dreaded, terrible, awesome, exciting, happy, sad, indifferent, scary, overwhelming, joyful oncoming reunion...

I don't know why I confess things online. I really don't. Maybe it has something to do with responsibility of it, maybe its some kind of penance that I feel that I need to do in order to atone for my sin, or at least what I've though was sin. Whenever I post something like this, I know what the response is going to be, at least I think I do. People will shake their head and attribute it to being in Iraq, far from home. I suppose that's true on some level. When I'm deployed I have plenty of time to think. I have time to remember, regret, embrace, expand, acknowledge, appreciate, miss, and love.  It makes sense that during these times of being the desert, I would verbalize the feelings of my heart that tend to be anesthetized back at home by copious amounts of television and business.

Who knows - here it is anyway.

I don't like to read the Bible. I never have. I really want to. I just never have.

Its so freeing to admit that. I don't even know why. The other night in-between sparing in the ring, I said that to my friend. I forget what we were talking about but I was like - "yeah, I really don't like reading the Bible. I find it just hard reading. It takes a lot of effort for me to read Scripture." He was aghast. He looked at me in disbelief, "but you're the chaplain..." He went on and on for a while. I started to fee guilty, like I was leading him down a road that would end up with selling drugs to kids or something.

Later that night, while we were talking, I (thinking out loud as I do, it tends to get me into trouble) reflected on why I feel that way about the Sacred Text. I have always loved the Bible, I have always enjoyed studying the Word, but reading it?

Therein, I think, lies the central issue. The Bible has always been to be something that we memorized as a family, it was a book that we read and reflected on. It has always carried a academic feeling to me. When I hear the grand Kings English (the 1611 KJV - is there anything else?), I think of warm moments around a woodstove in our farmhouse, furious debates in the basement of the men's dorm at Fairhaven, mind-numbing hours in Greek class, chapel's at the Dale Horton where I would pinch my fingers in the pages to stay awake, hours of classroom time instructing from its pages. The Word of God has always been a book to honor, study, yea, even worship. Spirituality is defined by how much you knew about it. I mean, you might feel something, but that's not important - what does the Bible mean?? That's real the issue!

I've found that my Bible College and Seminary training was limited, as such education is naturally. All three post-high school institutions I attended came from their particular background and taught me to see life from that perspective. Each of them taught a particular hermeneutic as the foundation for truth. All truth was built on certain texts. If one truth was found to be not true - certainly the rest of the teaching would be suspect and could in fact be faulty. Truth is/was seen as one of those Jenga games where if you pulled one brick from the stack, the whole thing would come tumbling down.

Thing is, truth is so much bigger than that. Its so much more colorful.

A passage might actually have another interpretation that might actually be as true as the other. Two people can read the same passage in Scripture, be lead down entirely different paths and still both love Jesus.

I still don't much like sitting down and reading the Bible. My wife got me Eugene Peterson's The Message for Christmas. We started reading through it. For the first time I think, I found that I enjoyed reading the Bible. I looked forward to wading through a text.

Then I got deployed and here I am reading book after book about the Bible and have yet to crack it without the need to study it. Its not all that bad you know, only studying the Bible. Thousands of successful pastors do it every week.

Only, I don't want to read the Bible just to prepare a great message. I need it to speak to me. I need it to transform me. I need it to be what so many have said that it is - a living book! I need to want to read it.

In that feeling I think I have the want to. In fact, I know that I do.

I'm reading more now. There are days that I enjoy it, but sometimes, its still hard to get thought Leviticus...

1. I'm not a rookie in the chaplain/army business any more. I'll have been at this for four years come September and not that much is "new" any more. On my last deployment, every day would bring a new idea, new verbiage, and new experiences into my life - stuff I HAD to share! Now, I pretty much have the job down (not to a science yet, but getting there) and whatever "new" things I run into, are not actually that interesting.

2. This environment is very different from my last one. In my last deployment, I was ministering in a very traumatic environment - not only for my troops but for me as well. I spent a great deal of time off the FOB in the combat environment but this time, its basically a garrison environment that does not change all that much. Given that we are an Aviation Support Battalion, all our work is maintenance, warehouse or other support functions and not many in my BN do "out the wire" missions so my days are VERY similar. In fact, unlike last tour, I fight the "groundhog day syndrome" daily...

3. I am just not as into writing as I have been in the past. I don't really know how to explain it. I sit down to write and nothing interesting jumps to my mind! Its not writer's block, I write all the time for other things, but I just don't have a lot to say I guess. Who knows, maybe it'll pass...

In the mean time, I've been passing time that I would otherwise be writing reading:

Besides several novels, I've polished off some amazing non-fiction to include (finally finishing) Evil and the Justice of God by NT Wright and, most recently, The Myth of a Christian Nation, by Greg Boyd. This last book is a challenging look at the "civic religion" that Christianity in America has become. I would highly recommend for any Christian looking to understand the place of their faith in public practice.

The challenge presented to me is - can I love my enemies? I mean, if I ran into an insurgent who placed the IED that killed my soldiers - could I love and serve them? I am convinced that service and the Gospel go hand in hand. Its not that we serve so that we have an opportunity to present the Gospel - its that the gospel of Jesus Christ is presented IN our service! When I bleed for others, when I sacrifice for them, I exemplify Christ. My father-in-law, a pastor in rural Indiana, recently went through a flood with his city. No one came to their aid. In service to Christ - with no pretentions of "souls saved" his church (in unity with another denomination) bore the burdens of the town and "so fulfilled the law of Christ." That is Christ love - that is Christianity.

From The Myth of a Christian Nation, "Doing the kingdom always requires that we bleed for others, and for just this reason, doing the kingdom accomplishes something kingdom-of-the-world activity can never accomplish. It may not immediately adjust people's behavior, but this is not what it seeks to accomplish. Rather, it transforms people's hearts and therefore transforms society." (pg.116)

How can I serve others? How can I show the love of Christ in this camp? How can I show Christ's love?

Christians are not know for their radical, self-sacrificial love. I'm sorry, I do not mean to preach - I am not known for my self-sacrificial love. Is my calling in this world to fix all the moral problems or to love others? Is my calling to vote Christians into public office or to show Christ's love to others? Is my calling to push a radical, America serving agenda, or is my job to love others? Is my calling to play moral guardian of a secular society or to love as Christ? Is my calling to be a sin-pointer-outer or is my job to love others?

I suppose some would argue that in confronting sin we are loving others - tough love - right? Besides the Jewish authorities, when did Christ do this? Jesus, a Jewish prophet in a Jewish world, rightly pointed out the problems of the Jewish religious leadership - when did he say anything about the unjust, corrupt, decadent Roman authority? He said to "love your enemies" - love - when these same Christians would soon be fed to lions for sport....

I don't love like that. I'm quite sure I can't. I know that such love needs the transformational power of the Christ through the Holy Spirit. Its deeper than a systematic theology, its deeper than a dogma or tradition - its has to come from deep with in is.

I want to want to love.

Again, Boyd, "Above all we are to love. Everything we do is to be done in love and, thus, communicate love. We are to imitate God by living Christ like love, and if we do this we fulfill the whole law. If we lack this, everything else we do is devoid of kingdom value, however impressive it might otherwise be. Not only this but God has leveraged the expansion of this Kingdom on the church loving like Christ loves. By God's own design, the corporate "body of Christ" is to grow as the corporate body does exactly what the incarnate body of Christ did - dying for those that crucified him.

For the church to lack love is for the church to lack everything. No heresy could be worse!" (pg. 134)

Love - not "tough love" or "confrontational love" but honest, unconditional, Christ-like love. Love with no borders, colors, creeds, belief structures, strings or money.

Love.

Yeah, that kind of love is a lot harder than forwarding an email or sticking a sign in your yard. Its harder than putting money in an offering plate or having conversations about the degradation of culture. This kind of love demands that I give of myself. Give of my family. Give of my life. Its hard.

But I've been called to it. I've been commanded to love - John says, "a new commandment I give you - love one another..." Its been personified in the love that loved while the nails were driven into the hands of the lover. Love is the glory of God, expressed by the Word given to mankind.

At least its hard for me. You might be beyond that already. Perhaps you could share your secret as to how you came to that...

Every day, I pray that God will help me love soldiers. But you know, I already do, I already love them - how do I love my enemies?

Maybe the reason we have such a hard time as Christians loving our enemies is because we find it so hard to love our brothers and sisters in Christ - but that would be a bit much to ask wouldn't it....

I love you.

God helping me...

Charlston.

The crapy apartment in Cedar Springs.

The Cabin on the River where you could hear the traffic and the fireplace belched smoke.

Skype.

Messenger.

Packages from you.

Church Hopping.

Sunday Afternoons.

Used Bookstores.

Waffle House.

Hours of Conversation.

Understanding.

Love.

Sophia.

Us.

Three Years.

I hope it never ends.

Happy Anniversary my love.

In the mean time, Check out this article in the Washington Post entitled, "Greed in the Name of Green." I loved it! I found it by reading this commentary on it at the Sojo blog. Man, if keep reading this stuff I'm gonna end up some kind of peace-loving liberal... or something...

Maybe I'll just settle for independent. And a Christian. Maybe no tags at all. mmm, wouldn't that be nice...

Who knows.

Enjoy the article - I did - its wickedly caustic. My favorite...

RADIO SILENCE LIFTED

BREAK

SORRY FOR NOT POSTING....

Greetings from the one the only Camp Striker, Iraq!